What God Hasn’t Done For Me Yet
I am so thankful for friends who point me in the right direction because boy have I needed it lately. The other day I was texting with a friend who is also believing for a miracle except her story is much different than mine and has nothing to do with pregnancy. Regardless, she has been a huge encouragement to me and in a very kind way the other day told me in a text, “Don’t be offended at what God hasn’t done for you yet.”
Whew. Well that hit me. Convicted! She nailed it. Over the past week I have been mad and offended with God. Why is he giving everyone else what I want, but not me? I mean there have been 30 babies in my local Moms in the Making group, my brother and SIL just had their 4th kid, most of my friends are on their second or third kid (or finished) and me? What about me? I got nothing.
But you know what also hit me? The reason why I am really offended? It’s because I am full of pride. I’m a prideful person and I’m offended because I think that I deserve pregnancy. I’m offended because I think I am entitled to a better plan. I’m offended because I think my plans for expanding my family are much better than God’s plans. I’m offended because clearly God is taking too long. I’m offended because I am tired of waiting.
The enemy loves the spirit of offense and clearly he has been having a hay day with me. He reminds me of every situation possible and why it’s really not fair that everyone around me has a baby, but not me (PS. I know not everyone, but some days it just feels like that is the case). And what happens when I take this stance of offense? It turns my eyes from being focused on Christ to instead focusing on the mountain of infertility in front of me.
So where do I go with this? What do I do with all these feelings? The first step to a problem is admitting it right? So I am doing that publicly now. I recognize all the sin in my heart: the pride, the control and the desire to plan my life. What is next? I think there are a lot of steps including asking for forgiveness, reminding myself for the millionth time that God’s plan is better than mine, and soaking up scriptures that can encourage me in this area that I am so clearly struggling with.
I want to become unoffendable, not just with my current status of my offense with God, but with others too. I want to keep pursuing Christ because I know that when I do my heart will become more mature and there will be less room for this offense to reside. It’s a process. My natural mind wants to continue to stay mad, but I know the very best option is to seek the Lord and ask him to help me deal with these harsh, yet real feelings, so that is what I am (very slowly) choosing to do.