What Men Want You to Know About Infertility

Several months ago I collaborated with several of my favorite bloggers. We all shared what we wanted others to know about infertility. This time, we are leaving it up to the men to share. It’s not often that the men have a voice in this community and we wanted to give them a chance to share what it’s like from their perspective. Clearly they are half of the equation in the journey to becoming parents, and their thoughts and feelings are just as important as the women. Thank you men for sharing!

What Men Want You to Know About Infertility

Amateur Nester – Lisa & Tom – Infertility can be just as hard on men as on women.  We deal with our own grief, often silently, while also watching our wives suffer.

Making Movies Jealous – Laura & Todd – Women tend to get the attention during infertility – appointments, procedures, questions from friends. As husbands, we have to remember that we are as much a part of this journey and should share the burden.  Also, as men, our initial desire is to fix problems; infertility is not ours to fix.  It’s ours to love her through.

Running With Infertility – Chase & Tedi – In society, men are typically viewed as being creatures who only have one emotion–angry–and are completely incapacitated by things as simple as the common cold.  In many cases, men are demeaned for having emotions such as sadness.  The truth is, men want to be dads, just as much as women want to be mothers. Sadness is the only emotion that applies when that dream seems out of reach.  Yes, men don’t have to deal with all of the poking and prodding and myriad of drugs and hormones, but seeing our partners having to go through these things and not being able to take that burden from them makes us feel powerless.  I would gladly take on that burden if I could.

Grow My Family – Lauren & Andrew – I want to do everything in my power to fix the challenges my wife and I are facing, but with infertility it’s something completely out of my hands. I can’t fix the hard times for us, but I can be a loving presence for my wife through them… Also to the men, hormones are exhausting and not just for the women. Don’t worry, you’ll both get through it.

Waiting for Baby Bird – Elisha & Dan – Although it would seem like I’m not struggling as much as my other half, and even most would think that I don’t suffer or get discouraged at all. The truth is that I do get discouraged. – Yes, sometimes I’m broken, sometimes I think this is life and these are the cards I’m dealt, sometimes I cry when I’m alone. But, I refuse to stay there. I refuse to focus on my circumstance and instead focus on someone greater. Reaching for God through prayer and reading his word gives me hope, it gives me life, it gives me joy. Although it may seem like I don’t care. That’s far from it. I’m trying to keep my focus on God and what he’s wanting to do through me. I don’t have it figured out, but I trust that God does.

Life Abundant – Jessi & Glenn – Infertility makes you lose hope in *hope*. Every time you think there is hope and it [pregnancy] doesn’t happen, hope becomes hard to hold onto. Eventually, the loss of hope bleeds into other areas of your life.

It’s Positive – Meredith & Matt – Our infertility has taught me how much a miracle getting pregnant is, and how ‘perfect’ everything needs to be to create human life. My advice is to make sure to stay positive, because it’s easy to get down on oneself through this. Offer a listening ear to your wife and support her in every step.

Life, Laugh, Love – Stacy & Scott – Genetics make up only 6% of who your baby is. When you ask your pediatrician if you should get the medical history of your donor and she tells you that it’s only 6%, medically it makes you feel more of a father.  We already know going in that he/she is our baby but when you get that confirmation it pretty much solidifies that how we raise our kids, makes them more our kids. The feeling and emotions that happened in my body when my son finally came out, I really cannot explain it. It was just pure joy and happiness. This is my son and I love him so much!

I am Fruitful – Lauren & Billy – Infertility is like having the biggest dream your mind can conjure up presented to you in a 30 day window.  You have every hope and prayer swirling through your head as you anticipate the ‘chance’ that this dream could come true this month, as well as the doubts that seem to creep in as time goes on – that this dream which seems so natural for others, will never happen because you’re broken.  Infertility is – at the end of those 30 days, grieving the loss of that dream and mustering up the strength and courage to start the process all over again…  To look what seems impossible straight in the face and say ‘I Am Fruitful!’

Someday Journey – Kristine & Thomas – Infertility isn’t any one person’s fault. It’s important to be supportive during all the highs and especially during the lows.

Anonymous – Infertility made me feel like a complete failure to my wife.  She might carry her heart on her sleeve but I keep mine locked away.  So people didn’t really see what I went through while we struggled.  It’s hard on a man.  There isn’t a pain worse than having to watch the woman you love cry out “why” and know that part of the reason was who she chose to marry.  Even if we are silent, know that we hurt, we feel and sometimes we just don’t know how to say it out loud.

And my husband, Colby – The hardest part is not knowing what to do, or there being nothing you can do. So much of life is finding answers, solutions, and fixes when problems and challenges come up.  Hopelessness and frustration visit frequently when your own ability and control are removed from the equation. It’s a great setting for a display of God’s goodness, because it’s obvious he’s our one and only hope.

What Men What You to Know About Infertility - In Due Time Blog

PS. If you are going through infertility, please head over to join a faith-based support group I founded, Moms in the Making!

PPS. Have you picked up a copy of my book? Buy In Due Time, a 60-day devotional for hope + encouragement in the waiting.

PPPS. I created a group on facebook as an extension of my book + blog to discuss anything + everything. Women only! Come join us!

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  • Laura | Making Baby Provence
    Posted at 08:21h, 31 August Reply

    This is one of my favorite posts ever. I love reading what the husbands have to say. They are all so strong. Well done, men!

  • Rebecca Jo
    Posted at 09:19h, 31 August Reply

    Men struggle with it silently more than women.
    My brother & SIL had to do IVF & they found out a lot of it was my brother’s ‘fault’ – he felt horrible about it… like its something he caused on purpose.
    It works for both ways.

  • Jaclyn
    Posted at 09:41h, 31 August Reply

    These are truly men – I love how they were vulnerable and shared their hearts – not an easy task! Reminds me of a scripture I heard last month in Sunday school: “Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead (2 Cor 1:9).

  • Amanda
    Posted at 09:56h, 31 August Reply

    Thanks for sharing this perspective! I’m glad you are giving men a voice in this situation. It must be so hard to watch their wives struggle and not have any answers. Praying for you all!

  • Elena
    Posted at 10:42h, 31 August Reply

    Great post Caroline!! Always interesting to hear the men’s perspective as they often get overshadowed by the chaos of infertility!

  • Patricia
    Posted at 11:17h, 01 September Reply

    This was very insightful. I’m so glad you shared their perspectives with us.

  • Hannah
    Posted at 11:37h, 01 September Reply

    I love this post so much & can’t wait to show it to my husband! It’s so rare to get to hear the men’s perspective and I know he’ll appreciate knowing that he’s not alone in how infertility makes him feel. Thanks for sharing!

  • Lily
    Posted at 11:03h, 02 September Reply

    I love this, Caroline. Sometimes people tend to forget about the man in the picture. I can even be a little insensitive to my husband’s feelings at times too. Thanks for sharing this!

  • Meredith @ It\'s Positive!
    Posted at 13:59h, 02 September Reply

    Applause to the hubbies! So wonderful reading all of these contributions! The husbands should share more often. Thanks for putting this together Caroline 🙂 xo

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