Guest Post: Colby on Communication

I am always so thankful when friends are willing to share on our blog, but my favorite is always when Colby shares. You can check out his first two posts here and here. Today, he is sharing a very real and raw post about communication during our infertility journey. 

Communication is vital to relationships and essential to marriages. We have all heard, experienced, and accepted this important truth. Yet it is these types of foundational truths that we can also take for granted and miss if we become complacent. And communicating specifically in the area of a marriage that is going through infertility is something that has come up for us numerous times. I recently realized where I may have missed key communication that caused recurring heartache for us. Hopefully this will help other couples identify a potential area of hurt and miscommunication.

You’ve probably heard of the dilemma faced by children of great depression, WWII, and post-war era fathers. This generation of men typically would not share their thoughts, feelings, and emotions with others, and specifically did not verbally speak to their children the words, “I love you.” Even though their actions clearly demonstrated that they did, and deep inside they did have a great love for their children and family, they could not or did not speak it. Decades later, their grown children – some who since lost their parents – are left with a nagging void. They wrestle with thoughts of, “I know my dad loved me…he worked so hard to provide for our family. He never told me he loved me…but I know he did…”

I refer to this example to explain my own shortcoming that caused us several times of despair over the past few months. Feeling alone as the proactive partner in our journey, Caroline would become worn and upset at some mistake I did or something I failed to do. In frustration, she would lament that (in addition to seeking God’s hand for healing and pregnancy) this blog, the small group she leads, and things like acupuncture, essential oils, dietary supplements, and diet changes initiated by here were all evidence of her deep desire to become pregnant and be a mother. In fair turnabout, where was my evidence? What research had I done, and what new changes had I discovered for us to try? To be fair again, I didn’t have much to offer. This caused me to reflect, and then become offended, thinking, “how can she think I don’t care, that I don’t want to be a dad? Of course I want us to be pregnant and to be a dad! How does she not naturally assume and know that?”

Do you see the connection to the earlier example I gave? The light came on for me in that moment. Even though I internally knew my great desire for us to naturally conceive and become parents, I had left her to assume this was true of me. I was not expressing this desire to her and encouraging her in this way. She wasn’t hearing me express our shared desire, doubt crept into her mind, and she began to feel like she was alone in her desire and on the journey. Like I was just along for the ride, following her lead, not really caring either way if our desire was fulfilled. Why didn’t I instead tell her how excited and hopeful I am that our prayers will soon be answered, or that today I prayed for our healing and natural conception, and for the health of our children?

Think of it this way – don’t you tell your spouse, family, or close friend daily or frequently, “I love you”? It’s repetitious assurance, affirmation, acceptance, and unconditional love. It’s the same thing over and over, but we don’t get tired of it! It’s a source of life, joy, and hope for the one declaring it and the one who receives it. Things get pretty bad when you withhold saying it or when you are not hearing it. So to guys who are on this journey with your wife: apply the same concept and tell her about your passion and desire to be a father soon. Tell her that you are praying for it in your alone time and that you want to pray about it together as a couple.

Given my profession, there is another adapted example I like. It is from the thought-provoking question, “If you were being prosecuted for being a Christian, would there be enough evidence to convict you?”, meaning does your faith, attitude, and heart condition cause your words and actions to make you stand out for God’s glory? So in this context, guys, make sure it is evident to your wife that you are equally passionate about your breakthrough pregnancy. Believe me, authentic verbal admission is one of the best pieces of evidence!

Communication in Marriage

  • Kelly @ Soko Blog
    Posted at 10:23h, 18 May Reply

    I love that your husband shares his side of things, especially on communication. I really like how he stressed that husbands need to show their passion for breakthrough pregnancy to their wives. Sometimes, us wives may feel like we’re all alone in our quest for something whether it’s pregnancy or something else.

  • Amie
    Posted at 12:36h, 18 May Reply

    This was a great example of how communication or lack of can affect our relationships. Thank you for sharing.

  • Amanda
    Posted at 12:42h, 18 May Reply

    This is so great, Caroline. I’m glad Colby shared! Communication is so, so important. Jordan and I are still learning how to communicate better with each other!

  • Nikki
    Posted at 13:15h, 18 May Reply

    I love that Colby shared! That’s great 🙂

    Communication is so vital. That’s the part of my relationship that I’m currently working on.

  • Síochána Arandomhan
    Posted at 14:00h, 18 May Reply

    Colby makes some great points. It reminds me that when we were actively trying to conceive, I also needed to see Mr. Turtle reading and researching and making that effort. If he did it at 2am when I was asleep it was not the same as seeing him do it and knowing that he shared my concerns.

  • Cheryl Smith
    Posted at 18:58h, 18 May Reply

    Colby, you sound like a really sweet and understanding guy and husband. I am SO thankful Caroline has you to share this journey and that the two of you are there for each other and support each other. I love your humility and how you adjust when the dear Lord shows you an area that needs strengthened or changed. Thank you for sharing your heart with us here. 🙂 I am believing GOD to send the two of you your miracle and very SOON!!! Praying often for both of you.

  • Kim Adams Morgan
    Posted at 11:30h, 19 May Reply

    Colby, it’s so wonderful that you are willing to share your communication journey here. How often do we think to ourselves, “Of course my spouse knows that.” They want to know, they need to know. But they need to hear it more, just like you have said. So many times Rick and I went through this. I needed to hear the words. Blessings to both of you. I hope we will get a chance to meet you when we are in Texas at the end of the month.

  • Kim Adams Morgan
    Posted at 11:50h, 19 May Reply

    Colby, what a wonderful illustration of communication in marriage.

  • Elizabeth R
    Posted at 12:39h, 20 May Reply

    Such a great perspective. We talk to strangers and the internet better than our closest ones sometimes. Good reminders.

    Posted at 19:33h, 21 May Reply

    I am always so thankful to read a man’s heart during our crazy journeys. Thank you Colby for sharing your heart and perspective with us! Communication is so crucial!

  • Alexis
    Posted at 12:53h, 22 May Reply

    So good and so true. We literally just had a similar conversation yesterday where I said that I felt like I was doing all the work — acupuncture, cleansing, diet, research, etc and felt very alone in it. I’d come to him with a thought of maybe something new we should try and he’d shake his head, unaware of the reason’s why it would be good because I’d done all the research alone. The fertility journey requires us to work as a team, to communicate our thoughts and feeling and to both be in agreement along the way as to the next step. Such a great post.

  • Tiara
    Posted at 09:32h, 23 May Reply

    Yes! Communication is very important. You couldn’t have said it better. I do not know how many times people ask me questions about my marriage and I tell them, it’s all about communication!

  • Holly Housewife
    Posted at 12:34h, 23 May Reply

    Love this! So sweet and 100% true. We need to speak up and say things out loud. Sometimes we forget and assume the other person knows our feelings. I’m guilty of doing this to my hubby all too often.

  • Keishawna
    Posted at 14:12h, 23 May Reply

    Great post! I have some friends dealing with infertility so I know an absence of communication leads to issues. These are some great reminders for us all, no matter the situation, to purppse to communicate with those we love. Thanks for sharing.

  • Tiffany @ A Touch of Grace
    Posted at 12:07h, 24 May Reply

    Love hearing a man’s perspective on communication. It always needs to be top priority for a marriage to work. Great post Colby!

  • Velaundra{at}
    Posted at 22:44h, 24 May Reply

    Great post and so very true communication is definitely vital in a successful marriage.

  • Michelle
    Posted at 20:34h, 25 May Reply

    Great post! My family did not say, “I love you!” that much growing up and I thought it was so weird. Now I make sure to tell my husband and kids that as much as possible, so there is no doubting!

  • Evangeline
    Posted at 17:34h, 31 May Reply

    Thanks Colby! It’s always good to read a male’s perspective about communication. Thanks for sharing insights that are applicable even outside of the circumstance of infertility. Caroline & Colby, with your permission, I’d love to repost this on my blog someday @ 🙂

  • Laura @ Making Baby Provence
    Posted at 09:10h, 02 June Reply

    This hits super close to home. I have told Todd multiple times how there are times that I feel like he may not want this as much as I do anymore. I’m going to send this to him to read. It really is so important to hear that affirmation from time to time. I’m constantly talking about what we are doing next. I could use a little more reassurance from him. Thank you, Colby, for being so brave to put this out there!

  • Rhonda
    Posted at 13:31h, 02 June Reply

    Thank you so much, Caroline & Colby, for sharing this!! My hubby & I are good communicators but there have still been a lot of tears, hurt, loneliness, frustration, and disappointment on my behalf as I have felt like I am the only one interested in and invested in having a family. I have even felt envious of you and other bloggers who seem to have husbands who are equally as excited about building a family as the wife! Thank you once again for sharing this and helping us realize we (and you!) are normal! 🙂

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