I had a mini meltdown yesterday. I won’t go into details as to what spurred it on, but it was the second time I’ve been mad at God since we initially received all the bad news, almost a year ago. The first time I had anger was when our doctor called me at work and told us the bad results of both mine and C.J’s test. C.J came to pick me up at work and I cried the whole way home and said a lot of irrational things.
Thankfully that night we were able to pray and get into the word together and ever since then God has enabled me to have a positive attitude
Until last night. Within minutes of me being upset C.J. knows that I am not myself. He is so patient, always quick to listen, slow to speak and won’t leave my side until we have resolved any problems. After sharing my concerns about this road of infertility we are on and having a pity party, he reminded me that I had lost hold of the truth and was being attacked by Satan.
After snapping out of it and deciding to be more rational, I remembered that life is not fair. And, you know, I’m glad it’s not! If life were fair, we would receive death on the cross. If life were fair, we wouldn’t have all the blessings we have been given. We wouldn’t both have wonderful jobs, be financial stable, have a wonderful marriage, awesome friends and family, a roof over our heads and an amazing church community.
We deserve none of these things. And in addition to what we already have we certainly don’t deserve to have kids of our own. But, God loves us so much that he died for us and cleansed our sins so we can receive all His marvelous blessings.
I’m thankful that C.J. was able to make me aware of reality and put the situation back into perspective. He reminds me that we are on this journey for a reason. And the best part about being married to Him is I always get glimpses of the unconditional love Christ has for us. The same love that I posted about a few days ago. I believe that is what marriage is all about. Seeing God’s glory reflecting in your relationship.
Update: I had written all that before church, and now that we are back home, I am just in awe of how God works. The sermon today was on God’s grace. How perfect! And, it happen to be the same scriptures that C.J. and I were teaching on tonight at small group (Galations 1), even better!
One of the lines of lyrics in a song we sang were “Grace that is greater than all our sin”. This is the exact grace God gave me last night. When I wanted to get angry and upset and doubt everything He has been teaching me over the past year, he reminds me of his grace. The undeserved favor He has already blessed us immensely with. The same grace that is bigger than all our sin.
Paul spoke in Galations 1 about God’s grace. And, I was reminded last night and again this morning that God is using our story for His specific purposes. He set us apart while we were in our mothers’ wombs and He desires to show Jesus off in us.
Because I’m human, I know I will have more meltdowns in the future. But, I’m thankful to have unconditional love and grace from both my heavenly father and my wonderful husband.