Now What?

I was overwhelmed with all of the comments on my last post. I always reply by email, but haven’t had the energy to, so please know how much all the prayers and sweet words meant. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

It’s hard to know what to do with this blog now. Honestly, it seems so fickle and insensitive to write about faith and fertility. It’s amazing that when you find out that your nephew has cancer, NOTHING that used to be important is anymore. The things I used to spend my time and energy on immediately become irrelevant. My prayers changed from Lord, please give us a miracle baby to Lord, please, please, please never give us a baby, just heal Kai. For the record, I know that is not how God works, but I wanted him to know that I would be ok with never ever having kids if he just healed Kai. I have never, ever prayed so fervently for something.

Our prayers for healing Kai were answered much differently than we had expected. He wasn’t just healed from cancer, but he received the ultimate healing from all physical, emotional, and spiritual pain and is now in heaven with Jesus. I’m trusting that the miracle we prayed for would have been so small compared to the miracle God is doing right now, the redemption we will witness, and the glory He is going to receive over the next days, weeks, months, and years because of Kai’s passing.

Back to my original comment about this blog and now what? I’m not sure. Maybe it turns into a blog about going through loss and grief. The Lord is the one who told me to write this blog and it isn’t just for the heck of it. Along with Moms in the Making, it has become my passion and my ministry. I have a heart for women going through trials, especially infertility. Days when it was hard to find time or I wasn’t really motivated, the Lord continued to prompt me to write.

I know just because Kai passed away doesn’t mean that God takes away that calling for my life, but in all honesty it seems so irrelevant to write about something I don’t have when I should be so grateful for everything I do have. I’m not sure what is next……. I guess instead of writing a post about it, I should be getting on my knees and asking the Lord. I’m not quite sure I have the energy or motivation to do that either.

The only thing I know is that just as I have said on the journey of infertility we have two options: to run from the Lord or run to Him. I’m choosing to run to Him. He is the only one who can give us the strength and energy to fight the battles and get out of bed in the morning.

I saved this in my draft folder and apparently the Lord didn’t care if I got on my knees or not, because he spoke to me and reminded me that if I gave up on the MITM ministry and the desire He has given me to be a mom and promised He will fulfill, then I’m letting the enemy win, which is the last thing I want. The enemy comes ready to steal, kill, and destroy and he has already done that with my nephew and is going to continue his roaring schemes to do that in our family, marriage, health, jobs, and finances. There is nothing that sickens me more than thinking about the enemy winning this battle. So, today I choose to believe that God is victorious. He will get the glory. We might not understand how or when, but I know that God will prevail!

I keep thinking of my sister-in-laws amazing post about choosing love. So I guess the Lord answered my own question about ‘what is next?’ I must continue to remain steadfast in the ministry He has called me to be a part of. I must continue to write down the words that He speaks to me. It might not look like what it used to, but I choose to follow Him and trust that He works out all things for our good.

I will continue to choose life, hope, peace, joy, and love. I will continue to choose to share the good news of the gospel and to be aware that even though the enemy has come to steal, kill, and destroy the Lord has come to give us an abundant life. I choose life! I choose love! Love wins.

PS. I realize this post is very scatter-brained. I decided to publish it anyway. Please continue to pray for peace, hope, and strength from the Lord during this hard time!

  • Jessah
    Posted at 17:59h, 31 March Reply

    Love wins!!!! You my friend are amazing.

  • Ris
    Posted at 18:21h, 31 March Reply

    I keep wondering, if during your grief, if you’ll turn up pregnant. Seems like God always brings about life amidst the sadness and mourning. He may have something se in mind though, who knows but Him!

    I’m so glad you’re choosing Him through this- and really? Kai’s legacy is going to be one of people coming to know The Lord bc they will see the strength of his family still choosing to be faithful to their God no matter what. THAT is a powerful witness, my beautiful friend. Blessings to you and your Daddy in the making. We are praying for you!

  • Aubrey
    Posted at 18:31h, 31 March Reply

    So glad you’re sticking around! Thinking of you and your family my sweet friend. XO

  • Heidi
    Posted at 18:51h, 31 March Reply

    Sending my love.

  • Amanda
    Posted at 18:53h, 31 March Reply

    So many prayers going to all of you. I can’t imagine how difficult this time is for you and your family. Hugs.

  • Cheryl Smith
    Posted at 19:17h, 31 March Reply

    The future must seem so uncertain to you, but God has you right in the palm of His mighty hand. This experience, this grief, this heartache will enable you and empower you to minister even more effectively to the women God places in your path. Each thing we go through in this life adds to the ways and dimensions and levels we can relate to others. How could we ever understand if we never experienced something similar to their pain? How could Jesus have ever related to us, had He not come to earth and become one of us…feeling the full gamut of our emotions? God will get glory in even this…satan means evil, God always means good. This will serve to enrich your level of compassion even more. God bless you and hold you close to His heart as you grieve! Love, Cheryl

  • Elisha
    Posted at 19:40h, 31 March Reply

    This post wasn’t scattered at all. I love you girl and know that you have been in my daily thoughts and prayers. Love wins.

  • Erika B.
    Posted at 19:56h, 31 March Reply

    SO much love for you, friend. Trusting that God’s glory will be displayed through all of this brokenness and pain.

  • Jessica
    Posted at 20:49h, 31 March Reply

    LOVE wins! God is victorious. Praying for you during this hard time. I see the struggle between the balance of what happened, the sorrow and the shift in priorities and then the weird place of life as it used to be. Suffering like this changes us, motivates us. Seek God’s glory through it all. He is using you in so many ways friend. You are fighting battles and love will ultimately win….may not see it some days until eternity, but we keep fighting day in and day out. Love you sweet friend.

  • Kellie
    Posted at 20:51h, 31 March Reply

    The Lord is using your words to encourage and bless many women. Your blog is a wonderful place of peace, faith, and hope pointing to Christ. Praying for you and your family.

  • Lisa {Amateur Nester}
    Posted at 21:13h, 31 March Reply

    I’ve been thinking about you, friend. Yes, love wins and the enemy does not. I have no doubt God will continue to use you no matter what you write about, and that He’ll eventually make his intentions for you very clear. Perhaps right now He just wants to comfort you and show you his love. I’ll be keeping you in my prayers.

  • Marianne
    Posted at 21:34h, 31 March Reply

    Thinking of you and your family. Xo

  • Amy
    Posted at 21:37h, 31 March Reply

    Life has a way of showing us greater pain that makes what we are facing seem like less, but I hope you don’t underestimate the the impact you have had on so many through this blog and the topic of infertility. You are always an encouragement to live by faith, not by sight, and I am so thankful to you for that dear friend! I have no doubt that God has big plans for you no matter what avenue of ministry you feel led to pursue. I’m praying for you and your family daily.

  • Evangeline
    Posted at 21:49h, 31 March Reply

    Glad to hear from you. You’ve been in my prayers…a lot. Your thoughts were not scattered at all. Here’s my favorite part of your post: “The only thing I know is that just as I have said on the journey of infertility we have two options: to run from the Lord or run to Him. I’m choosing to run to Him. He is the only one who can give us the strength and energy to fight the battles and get out of bed in the morning.”

    Thanks for letting us in by sharing with us what is a very tough time for you.

  • Isabelle
    Posted at 22:28h, 31 March Reply

    That has been my prayer for myself, to have peace, hope, joy, and love. I will pray the same for you as well. Love you girl.

  • Finley
    Posted at 04:37h, 01 April Reply

    Praying for you dear Caroline – for the hand of our Saviour to rest upon yours and to be walking alongside you in this tough season. You my dear are one wonderful woman who has such amazing strength as you’ve shared your moments with us all. There is strength and love in all of that – its a journey in itself xxx

  • Megan Davis
    Posted at 06:13h, 01 April Reply

    Oh, dear friend! I can’t imagine the loss and grief you and your family is facing right now. Praying you can turn to Him and allow His strength to be your fill. I know God is working in and through you to grow you, support your family, and bless other women. Friend, He has given you unique gifts and a special ministry to reach out and speak His truth. Praying for you in all of this!

  • Shama
    Posted at 06:45h, 01 April Reply

    Caroline…you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers every day….

  • Amie
    Posted at 07:02h, 01 April Reply

    This post wasn’t scattered at all! Sending many prayers for you and your entire family. I am always excited to read your posts and am so glad you will continue to do God’s work here for us all to read 🙂

  • Rebecca
    Posted at 07:37h, 01 April Reply

    Oh sweet friend… how my heart continues to hurt for you and your family during this difficult time. I can only imagine how y’all are working through the whirlwind of the last month and now trying to “adjust” to this “new normal” when life will never feel normal again. I pray that the Lord’s mighty mercy and grace will meet y’all each minute and hour and give you peace and guidance and strength for the days, weeks, and months to come. I can’t understand (at all) but can relate to your feelings about where to go with your blog, life, etc. after such a horrific trauma. I remember when I started my blog I had NO idea I would be diagnosed with both serious diseases and truthfully (as I shared in my new years post) I don’t think that I would have started the blog had I known. While my blog has morphed and changed some- because how can it not when “life” intersects- I know the Lord is guiding each step (or post). I say all of that to say that your blog has been an encouragement, challenge, inspirational, and comfort to many of us (even those of us not struggling with infertility) simply because you write about core issues of longings, desires, and surrendering all of these to the Lord in such a beautiful way. My longing to be married has been encouraged and challenged here as you have shared your Monday verses and your heart and longing for a child. The grace that you have lived your life and shared with each reader of living with a longing and yet still LIVING is an amazing testimony. THANK YOU. I am confident that in whatever direction you go forward with your posts you will continue to touch us all and encourage us right back to the heart of our precious Lord. In the meantime, I pray that you and your family will be blessed with an infinite amount of love, encouragement, and the tender grace that you touch us all with.
    Lots of love and gentle hugs,
    🙂 Rebecca

  • Kelli B
    Posted at 08:13h, 01 April Reply

    I have been thinking about you and most definitely praying, Caroline! I am so amazed by your faith which takes honesty just like you revealed in this post. I know the Lord will guide you in the direction of your blog and I love that you are so attentive to what He wants. He may do something totally unexpected by this! Oh…and I don’t think the post was scattered at all 🙂 Love you, my friend!

  • Shay
    Posted at 08:46h, 01 April Reply

    My thoughts and prayers are with you sweet friend. You have such great faith and are so strong in your beliefs. I hope you continue to blog because it truly does inspire so many of us!

  • Amy
    Posted at 09:12h, 01 April Reply

    Your post and your sister-in-law’s post are both so beautiful. We can celebrate when someone goes to be with the Lord, but the grief still hurts. I’m so glad that you are choosing to trust the Lord through all of this, and I pray that you continue to blog. Regardless of the theme of your blog, you are an inspiration to so many!

  • Amanda
    Posted at 10:34h, 01 April Reply

    This kind of thing is always so hard… someone’s pain is always worse than our own. I often feel (and I think we’ve all felt this) that our worries and issues are nothing compared to war, famine, etc. The good news is that Jesus was concerned with healing the sick and giving sight to the blind, but he also attended weddings and made sure the wine didn’t run out. Jesus concerned himself with the BIG stuff, but he also gave attention to the smaller, more intimate desires and needs of His friends’ and followers’ daily lives. I don’t think the Lord would want you to feel guilty for wanting a child, or leading your group, or blogging just because terrible things happen in the world… that would be allowing Satan to win. Thinking of you, Caroline! Praying he’ll bring beauty from the ashes.

  • Charity
    Posted at 11:17h, 01 April Reply

    So thankful for how God is moving in your life. He has a great purpose and the loss of your sweet nephew while motivate your heart in ways we can’t see to fulfill it. When we can’t seek God he can see us. Jesus is interceding on your behalf and praying for you when you can pray for yourself. I am also praying for your dear friend. I love you!

  • dspence
    Posted at 14:18h, 01 April Reply

    Continuing to pray for you and your family. I am so, so sorry for your family’s loss. So thankful for the hope we have in Christ.

  • Rachel
    Posted at 15:14h, 01 April Reply

    I have been thinking about you and wondering how you’re holding up…You’re in my prayers and thoughts, and I know God will take you through this to the other side. Sending lots of love and prayers!

  • Camille
    Posted at 17:23h, 01 April Reply

    I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I can’t even begin to imagine what you all are going through right now. I am praying for you and your family. Rest easy knowing that your sweet boy is without pain and that you will see him again someday. So much love coming your way.

  • Kasey
    Posted at 05:37h, 02 April Reply

    Thinking of you all! You guys are amazing and strong and such an inspiration to everyone. Holding you all in our prayers!

  • erin
    Posted at 10:40h, 03 April Reply

    Love wins. He always wins. The beauty of Jesus is that we are already victorious because of what He did on the cross! The enemy won that battle but not the war because sweet Kai is in the presence of the most holy One right now. At this very moment he is singing praises to the King about how glorious and wonderful God is and we will see him again one day. That my friend is a reason to hold tight to the hope we have! I am grieving with you friend, I love you so and am continually praying for you and your entire family. And I can’t wait for the day when we see all that HE has for you and your family! It’s coming!!

  • Emily (
    Posted at 11:39h, 04 April Reply

    So many emotions, and none of them could be easy. Praying for your loss to be replaced with an extra ounce of joy a little more each day. Take whatever breaks you need. Everyone will understand. We’re all here for you! XO

  • Suzanne
    Posted at 14:06h, 04 April Reply

    What an amazing woman you are. Love does win. Continuing to pray for you, your family and your sweet, sweet nephew in heaven. xoxo

  • Jennifer T
    Posted at 18:28h, 05 April Reply

    I am so sorry to hear about your nephew! I hope that you and your family are filled with peace and comfort at this time.
    I love your blog so I hope it continues 🙂 Thinking of you and sending you a big hug!

  • Em
    Posted at 19:18h, 05 April Reply

    Praying for you all right now…

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